Dressing up and feeling down

Before I continue with what happened next I thought I’d skip forward again to the here and now and how the day to day is feeling, minus one kidney with a tumor. On the whole I can honesty say that in just over 4 months it’s not immediately obvious and my cancer journey could be 4 years ago as life pretty much goes on as normal. Those people that don’t know what I’ve recently gone through wouldn’t need to be told as it has no bearing on what I can do physically. That said, I am still slightly slower and a little more awkward when walking but that’s due to subsequent back pain (I’ll get to that). The thing that has bothered me personally more is the adjustments to my wardrobe and appearance that I’ve had to make. I had expected there to be discomfort on and around where the scarring is but hadn’t realised it would carry on for so long. Being a scar of course there is the obvious appearance of said ‘stitch up’ that is not something I really want to show and tell…! It was my left kidney and it’s 7cm tumor that was removed and fortunately this was by key hole surgery. Unfortunately the kidney and it’s tumor were somewhat swollen so the ‘keyhole’ is rather more ‘manhole’ in size, approx 8cm. I also have 3 other little incisions that surprisingly seem more irritating but this may be because they are positioned nearer where my waistbands are. These additions to my body art are the reason my clothes are either uncomfortable to wear or just not sitting right as I also seem to have changed shape! I think that is possibly due to me not being able to exercise and so being naturally slim I have acquired a belly for the first time since having children and so I’m not feeling at my most attractive right now. Basically I can’t wear anything that has a waistband right now unless its loose or elasticated so jeans are difficult unless I leave them undone (which I do regularly). I wont wear anything tight fitting that may highlight my shape or clothes that don’t quite reach my waistline so half my wardrobe is currently useless. The things that don’t aggravate my scarring are generally clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear and so I feel awkward in them. I suppose I should be grateful that the reason for my clothing calamity has been removed and caring about what I’m wearing should be the least of my worries. It’s just that it’s a daily reminder for me of what has recently happened (that and catching myself in the mirror). To everyone else I’m looking fine apart from a slightly strange walk but that’s not attracting too much attention. I should also be grateful for the fact that my job as a dressmaker enables me to make clothes so what am I waiting for…time to design a whole new look!

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