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Here & Now – Cans & Can’ts

I’ve skipped forward from my diary in order to show where I’m at right now. As I am writing the blog retrospectively it has been strange to recap what happened from the journal I kept and in part, very painful. The day I collapsed in pain was March 13th and from then the surgery date was March 27th so I’ll be reaching the 6 month anniversary of both soon (no I won’t be celebrating). The way I thought I’d present this post is by telling you what I can and can’t do, I am doing this by comparing my day to day life before cancer and the here and now. This is a personal account – I don’t expect everyone post nephrectomy to be missing skanking at the local ska nights! I can now walk more or less painfully for at least half an hour. I can’t walk at the same pace or for as far before having niggling pain in my back. I can shower and bath no problem. I can’t have a soak in the bath for too long as the water irritates my scars still – either that or I just don’t like the look of them! I can wear clothes other than elasticated waisted joggers and long loose tops/dresses. I can’t get comfortable in anything other than the aforementioned and seem to live in dungarees. I don’t like anything on or around my waist still so tend to wear jeans undone and looser clothes. I can pretty much eat/drink what I want although I’ve cut out the obvious bad stuff like salt. I have had some alcohol but have become a lightweight (no bad thing) compared to before and feel guilty when I drink now. I can’t eat what I want when I want as unlike before when I was lucky to be a 40 something size 8-10 I now have to watch my weight as I’m not exercising. I may as well have put I can eat/drink what I want but I can’t eat/drink what I want! Guilt and waistline! (Oh and the fact I’d be wearing elasticated waists indefinately…) I can go out and socialise without people knowing anything is or has been wrong as there’s no obvious signs that I’ve been unwell. I can’t go to the same places or do the same things, ska nights, moshpits and the local rowdy pubs are out unless I go dressed in padded clothing! I can talk about what happened a little easier now and this blog has helped. Being such a huge shock out of the blue it took a while to sink in. I can’t share this blog with friends/family openly which is why it’s not on Facebook as talking and telling those who know me makes me uncomfortable. I can get to sleep ok, nothing new there as I’ve always been able to get off to sleep easily. I can’t sleep through the night as I always need a wee at least twice and once I’ve been I struggle to go back to sleep. Also I still cant sleep on my left side where the surgery took place, it’s just uncomfortable. Other small changes that are significant to me personally. My dreams when asleep are completely bizarre and unlike anything I’ve experienced before (maybe another blog there…) The routine I had when running a fashion business has obviously changed as I’ve not returned to work yet. This in the main part is not due to my physical abilities but rather the superficial nature of the business I was in and the fact I am looking at that differently now. However needs must so who knows. That routine included listening to music/radio during the day, strangely this does more to annoy me now and I prefer silence? As the 6 month anniversary of my surgery approaches I am hoping to mark it by getting back to work or at least to normality, however that may present itself. The fact I’ll be minus a kidney and its nasty tumor has obviously had more of an effect on me than I previously cared to admit. Reckon I need to get busy! I can get on with life and back to normal. I can’t shake the bad memory (but don’t tell anyone).


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