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What If?

As September approaches I am busy putting my house in order, it’s my New Year in many ways, especially business. September is the month I started up Missfit Creations back in 2004 and, having worked previously in school offices I always use an academic diary.

It follows that September is also the month I re-asses my life in general; get rid of what I don’t need and tidy up the rest. Running a home based business, my work/life balance can tip either way so I need to clear the decks.

In my 15th year of business, the problem I have is how much I keep and what to let go. Becoming ill so suddenly in 2013, I laid a lot of blame on my work. This is why it took so long to return and before I did, I sold much of my stock, deleting social media accounts. I still have a fear of getting poorly again and not being able to complete work. I don’t have employees, there’s no one else to take things on. Years ago I had a network of acquaintances in similar businesses, there was generally someone to farm work out to. Many are no longer in business or I’ve lost touch, I’m on my own.

If I list the various elements of my business now, it’s hard to pin point the niche; there’s so many. Returning to work I pretty much took on everything that came my way, now I need to trim it down again.

However, I don’t think the problem lies in the amount or nature of the work I take on, there’s still the nagging doubt that I won’t be able to complete if the workload increases. Primarily I’m a dressmaker with a leaning towards pop fashion and costume, this appears in most of my creations. My difficultly is thinking big. If any part of my business takes off in a bigger way, what if I get ill? It’s a fear I can’t shake after facing that reality once already. I’ve just turned down the chance to work with an amazing pop tribute band for whom I’ve previously made many costumes. They contacted me hoping I’d be able to take on more outfits, it would be a very lucrative and enjoyable job. The fear of letting them down won the day though and I said no.

I’ve got no solid basis for this dread, I was signed off by my consultant last year, scans showing no evidence of disease. Apart from the recurring pain from surgery nerve damage – which there doesn’t appear to be any cure for, I keep myself fit and healthy. The trouble with being a cancer patient, whether current or remission, it haunts you. I’ve been experiencing headaches for a while (since April) and, having eliminated the need for new glasses spoke to my GP. Now I’ve got the joys of another CT scan ‘becuase of my history’, it never ends.

In the meantime it’s back to list making and crossing off ready for when September comes and I can start procrastinating for another year.


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